Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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