my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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