I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
