Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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