I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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