as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize