He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
