dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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