i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
