I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I need moral support for this bender
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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