erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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