I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
