I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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