Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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