at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
