Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
