She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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