I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
