I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
