I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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