my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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