your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
