Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize