U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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