Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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