I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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