yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
