All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
