....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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