I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
