i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
