It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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