I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
