I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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