is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
