She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Sober January is a disaster.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize