Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
