Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
