I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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