The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
