Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
