gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
