My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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