i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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