Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
