I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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