someone threw a dead crab at me
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
