Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
