...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
