and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
