i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
