I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
