So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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