he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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