this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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