This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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