I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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