I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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