If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
