Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
